Sunday, May 16, 2010

The monetary system and divorce:

The monetary system and divorce.

In this blog I will be pulling from other blog sources that cite statistics about how the leading cause of divorces and domestic strife comes from money problems or stress related to them. We will be talking about this on an upcoming episode of V-RADIO.

From Jet Magazine:
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_n1_v91/ai_18930297/pg_2/?tag=content;col1

Money enables people to buy many things; unfortunately, it can't buy happiness, love or a lasting relationship. And surprisingly, money turns out to be the leading cause of today's divorces.
Fifty-seven percent of divorced couples in the United States cited financial problems as the primary reason for the demise of their marriage. according to a survey conductted by Citibank.
Financial incompatibility is one way of explaining the reason money is the primary cause of divorce, says Cheryl D. Broussard, a registered investment advisor and author of the book The Black Woman's Guide To Financial Independence: Smart Ways To Take Charge Of Your Money, Build Wealth, and Achieve Financial Security.
Financial compatibility "has a lot to do with how people are raised," cites Broussard, who is a principal of Broussard & Douglas, Inc., located in Palo Alto, CA. "Women want an equal partnership, but men want to take the lead if that's how they were raised."
The corrupting effect financial incompatibility has on a marriage is compounded when couples don't discuss their financial problems.
Broussard says, People aren't discussing finances. Money is such a taboo subject. People associate bad things with money. If you're in a serious relationship, talk about this. If you don't, it will cause a huge gap."
Bonnie Fitch, an attorney from Houston, TX, who is a former associate municipal court judge, says money may be the leading cause of divorce because some couples do not unite and work together when it comes to handling their household finances.
The unequal division of money causes problems because control isn't equal. One person will have control and more money than the other. If one person is mismanaging funds, the strain comes when it doesn't benefit the other party. It puts a strain on who will be the person to handle the finances," asserts Fitch, who is sole practitioner of her own firm,
Problems also occur within a marriage when a spouses ego gets in the way, insists Fitch. She says that in today's society women are not only contributing to the family, but, in many cases, are the breadwinners, which doesn't sit well with all men.
"lf a man isn't completely comfortable with his wife being the breadwinner, that could cause him to feel less secure than if he were the breadwinner. It could put a strain on both in the marriage," says Fitch.
She continues, "This situation makes it difficult in terms of the man's self-esteem. It could affect him by making him less romantic or having problems on his job. He could go through a cadre of emotions.,
Attorney John W. Wiggins Sr., owner of a law firm in Houston, TX, disagrees that marriages are headed toward disaster if the husband isn't the head of the household financially. Instead, Wiggins says, to the contrary, men want wives who can assist them.
Males are not taking [their self-esteem being lowered] so much to heart. They are looking for someone who can assist in the financial pursuit," observes Wiggins. "I don't see so much of that `just stay home and raise the kids' situation,' but I see `have a job and raise the kids.' Men are looking for someone who can assist them."
Wiggins offers that the lack of money contributed by either spouse within a marriage and selfishness could both contribute to the financial downfall of a marriage.
The lack of money generated by one person in the eyes of the other can cause a problem because the expectations of the other person haven't been met," says Wiggins. "You also have people who have married young or before they acquired stability, and they tend to get selfish. They will feel that they want to enjoy their funds alone because they are doing so well."
Another reason money is the leading cause of divorce is because a spouse could use it as a symbol of power in the relationship, says Dr. Allen C. Carter, a clinical psychologist from Atlanta, GA. He believes power struggles may surface throughout marriage, and money is usually the root of the problem.
"Money has power connected to it, and it is a way to control," Dr. Carter tells Jet. "It is one of the most powerful ways that we think we can control people. It is a symbol of a way to get something that you don't have."
Also an adjunct faculty member at his alma mater, Morehouse College, he notes that using money as a way to control one's spouse "comes out of fear. Money is used to keep a person within a certain grasp or boundary in a way that makes the controller feel safe," Dr. Carter states.
He also says that some partners define themselves in the relationship with money, which leads to conflicts.
"If a person is rigidly identified with the social role that the man is the breadwinner and the woman is the helper, it will produce great conflict for both,, explains Dr. Carter.
"The man is usually the authority, and money has control and authority connected to it. The man may feel he has to be the man, by having control of the money. A woman Will accept the role by allowing the man to have the authority, but she may feel conflicted and confused for awhile because she feels it's unfair," Dr. Carter adds.
Shelvin Louise Marie Hall, a judge of the Circuit Court of Cook County in Chicago, IL, agrees that money is symbolic. She believes that money doesn't cause problems in a marriage; however, what it represents to people does.
"[Money] is a symbol of what the real problem is. The fight really isn't about money, it's about love the lack and expression of it," concludes Judge Hall.
She adds, "When the wife tells her husband that he doesn't spend money On her, she's really saying he doesn't care about her because if he did he would spend money on her. she wants more attention. When the wife shops all the time, the husband will feel that she's wasting money. He's saying she doesn't care about the resources ... he really means she should spend more time at home, focusing on their relationship, instead of being at the mall.
The most frequent cause of divorce:
http://www.helium.com/items/133627-the-most-frequent-cause-of-divorce
By Louise Ciccone
“Statistics state, that one of the the most frequent causes of divorce, are financial constraints. Not having enough money, to do the things you want. Not having enough money, to take that well deserved vacation. Spending more, then we have. Making purchases, that are irrational. Decisions made, over what amount goes where and to whom. Decisions, about how to manage the money, who will manage the money, and when to manage the money. How much money will, and should be spent, on items that are needed. How much money, should be invested.
Stress related to finances when an unexpected situation occurs (death in the family, broken down stove, children's dental work). Problems deciding what amount of money is who's and whether or not it should be jointly or separate from one another.Each spouse may have a different view and/or perception of how money should be spent, etc, and sometimes do not find out, how different their views really are, until a money situation arises.
It is true that communication, is the root of all healthy relationships, but I believe that the financial part of marriage, only makes communication worse sometimes. Money is the number one cause of divorce in this nation and with that there is no debate.
Go ahead think about your own relationship. Are you really fighting about the dirty dishes or are you using the dirty dishes as an excuse for your anger because the real problem is about money.You just may not know how to say it.You may be too frustrated to bring it up. You may be embarrassed. Trust me, you do not need to be. A little more then ninety percent of people, in our country, has experienced or is experiencing, one form of financial problem or another.As long as there are money problems, there will continue to be an uprise in the divorce statistics. Of course, there are several other things, that should not be excluded, when it comes to speaking about reasons for divorce. We cannot ignore the fact, that we seem to have lost our ability to communicate. We have seemed to have lost our confidence in ourselves in being able to communicate.
Marriage is no longer seen as a sacred union between two people, that will remain that way forever. Marriage is no longer regarding as much in the same manner as fifty years ago.So much has changed since then.Our priorities are seemingly confused, and do not seem to be focused on maintaining positive relationships. Instead, we seem to focus more and more of our attention, on external objects to make us feel better.Which brings me back to the main reason divorce is sky rocketing. Maybe the husband is dying to buy the newest 42" television for the basement and you do not agree that is a logical purchase.An argument will probably break out. If there is no argument and the couple does sit and talk calmly about the situation, there is no guarantee that they will agree or find a middle ground for the situation.
Communication is vital to a marriage, never mind to relationships in general. What communication will not do though, is make you feel different about your views, all the time. It will not always, end up in a desirable manner. It will not always, end up that you were able to change someones mind. It is not a guarantee that if you know how to communicate, that your problems will go away. All communication can do, is allow you to speak about how you feel and to learn to listen to the other person. It allows you the time and space, to sit down and discuss things.It will not change a person's thoughts, actions, perceptions or wants and needs.It will not change a person into what you want them to be....Communication is vital, as I have already mentioned, but it is not the only thing that keeps marriages together, or forces them apart.
There are many reasons that divorce happens, and communication, though very important, is not the only thing that needs to be addressed....it seems these days society has lost the true meaning of marriage. We have lost the reason for marriage in the first place and are adapting the core of marriage to suit our own personal thoughts and desires, as well as personal views and perceptions on what marriage is......So many things that effect the reason, that divorce happens much more these days. I think we have lost something long ago. Just ,makes me wonder.
If divorce is high and views about marriage are changing, and being altered, why then is the reason for marriage, written exactly as it was in the bible hundreds of years ago. Marriage has not changed, people have .I think maybe that in itself is the frequent cause of divorce in general. Our thoughts, views,beliefs, experiences, etc have changed so much we do not know how to embrace the union of marriage anymore and do not seem to take it as seriously anymore. It seems the same amount of time put into a marriage is similar to that of ordering a chocolate ice cream and then eating half of it realizing you wish you got the other flavor.You throw the other half in the trash and order another one.
Why do we do this. It is simple to understand. We do it because, we can.”

3 comments:

  1. My girl friend and I are not getting married because we view marriage as a religious and cultural ceremony that is not relevant in our lives.

    We enjoyed hearing about Jacque and Roxanne's prospective on marriage when we were on the tour.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey Neil! Thanks for the blog-post. I was getting worried about you. I hope things are better for you and your family.

    Be safe and I hope to hear more of you and your radio-show soon.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey,

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